I really don’t understand why people think it’s endearing that the pope said the word fuck. Are you THAT forgiving?
I am going to see Throwing Muses tomorrow! I hope they play “Snakeface” like they have been, I hope they play “Opiates,” and I hope I see absolutely no human beings I know.
Oh and since Tanya will be there I hope they play a song with really important Tanya harmonies.
Official site for the hilarious new comedy Sex Tips For Straight Women From A Gay Man, now performing Off-Broadway at The 777 Theatre on 8th avenue between 47th Street and 48th Street in the heart of Times Square.
There is a play called Sex Tips For Straight Women From a Gay Man.
One enormous little Hell is when you go to sit somewhere quietly and then, without warning, a STAND-UP COMEDIAN ends up performing. I mean, I like good stand-up, a lot. But the other day I was actually feeling light and clear-headed and said to myself: “I’m going to have a quiet glass of wine at this generally quiet bar and write in my journal.” And then without warning a stand-up comedian was performing. And it’s just so many things to negotiate. So many decisions. Like:
-Do I keep writing in my journal or do I look at the comedian? If I keep writing in my journal the comedian might *interrupt* me, so what is worse? Risking interruption or just looking at the comedian? Could I even write a clear-headed journal in the midst of this risk?
- And then, what kind of face do you make during the rape joke(S)? Like, the joke where the comedian just says “GANG RAPE” and it’s immediately really funny because it’s so taboo and shocking. This is something you have to negotiate beforehand. Do you make a face? If you decide not to make a face, how do you sufficiently prep yourself to make sure you don’t make it?
- And you can’t just LEAVE because then that’s another potential interaction with the comedian.
-And then you specifically came and budgeted for ONE drink. But now that you’re trapped, you might actually need more than one drink to cope.
It’s just too much.
i want to get tipsy and stay up with tumblr; i want at least 5 hours of sleep before work tomorrow.
Gosh coming full circle - now that I think about it, my first non-solitary experience with the iTunes visualizer was with this friend. This was not on K - this was pre-K for me. We found out we both genuinely loved Britney, and he had her Onyx Hotel concert DVD and he rented a projector and we watched the DVD huge on his wall. And then we watched the iTunes visualizer for a few hours. And it was HUGE! Projected on the wall! It was really lovely.
You know that PJ Harvey song “You Come Through?” You should go listen to it. I remember I was discussing this particular song with this friend I just mentioned, who is also someone who really doesn’t like PJ so much. He likes this song though and he likes how it’s ambiguous about whether it’s a song about desire or appreciation; in other words, is she desiring that someone “be come through,” “be well,” for her, or is she just appreciating someone who already is? I like that ambiguity too. I think this song is relevant to this situation. Every so often I feel that song as a desire and it seems like a rude thing to feel that song, in that way, about someone. I think the ethics of this is one of the things I feel genuine confusion about.
One thing I found in my journal from 2007 that was interesting…
I’m going to contextualize the past with the present for a sec. Someone who I consider(ed?) probably my dearest friend has become addicted in the past year. We haven’t spoken since June. I had a lot of really weird feelings about this, and I say “weird” because I genuinely didn’t understand my own feelings. I drafted about 20 e-mails to him that I never sent because I felt like I was just making stuff up to say. I know scraps. I remember when he first told me he was using I was very casual about it, for a number of reasons. And then I do remember…being with him where he had this really angry energy that made me not want to be around him. Me feeling like my energy was being sucked and I wasn’t being “seen.” Times where we’d hang out and I left feeling unseen and angry but I didn’t say anything. Times where I didn’t like how he described treating others….All this mixed with feelings of more “objective” feelings that left me feeling guilty for my more personal feelings of anger.
We haven’t spoken since June.
Anyway, this is a person who never even drank and then started getting heavily into drugs - like, you know, the really bad drug, doing it every day even alone, and I am really too confused to know whether or not I want to put “really bad one” in scare quotes or not. I really don’t know. But I did put in my 2007 journal: “I just need ***** to hold it together, for me.” In reference to him. This was wayyyy - like 6 years - before he wasn’t “holding it together,” 6 years before I felt any conflict with him whatsoever. I don’t remember the context or even feeling or writing anything like this. IAnd the fact I wrote it makes me even more confused about my own response.
I am feeling so anxious about moving and I’m just going to talk aloud here:
I’m excited about my new 100% anti-rush hour commute. But I am anxious because *it didn’t even occur to me* that Sunnyside, despite being in Queens, is so close to Greenpoint/Williamsburg. My search was in Sunnyside/Woodside/Jackson Heights with kinda hopes for Woodside because I could just walk to the LIRR for my weekend/summer job, but I took Sunnyside because it was the first thing offered and I didn’t even think of this proximity issue. If I express anxiety about this in person to anyone I’ll probably articulate it as some elitist hipster anti-hipster thing just to get information about the extent to which Sunnyside is kind of on the map now and it’s all bleeding over into it, but what I’m really terrified about is this new proximity to very particular people who I want to be as far away from as possible. I’m just so anxious. I’m moving on Saturday and I already have fantasies about bolting.
I found an empty bottle of straight-up Ketamine, which actually just made me laugh because it’s so ridiculous. I actually don’t have any really bad memories about it, because I don’t remember it really doing anything except making me feel a slight gap between hearing a sound and feeling its vibration. All I really remember is just taking a small amount and watching the iTunes visualizer. Actually a date with some K and the iTunes visualizer seems pretty relaxing right now.
I did it. I successfully tore a filing cabinet of almost 10 years of journals into little pieces, after reading them word for word. It takes up 14 very stuffed freezer bags - I’m happy about this because I was ready to be really, really superstitious about what the number turned out to be, but turns out that it’s just the number of the year; this seems pretty benign to me.
It’s all very disgusting - the ways I used to be disgusting and I wouldn’t even be friends with that person, but also it’s kind of disgusting the ways I’m really weirdly exactly the same. I wish I could go back way long ago to before 10 years ago to see exactly when I started scanning every single environment and noting every single power dynamic and what enforces it? Because I think like 49% of the journal is just that (then I’d say 49% whining about being lonely and sad and anxious, 2% “Other”).
I guess I’ll give everyone who is still important in my life a small envelope filled. Then maybe I’ll dump the rest in water and then just trash them.
It’s just one of those acts of carelessness that seems to carry so much MEANING behind it. I think to myself: Would a good person let this happen?
Few things will make me feel as bad about myself as realizing I have been careless with monitoring a banana I put in my bag.
So I’m making a concerted effort to minimize exclamation points lately. But the teacher I’m working with this semester, so far, has ALWAYS responded to my e-mails (with no exclamation points) with a bunch of exclamation points. I’m really happy about this because it makes me feel not-hated.